I`m tired of being this person, being expected to fall into the format, & twist into what everyone else expects me to be. I`ve changed so much in the past few years, jumping from one thing to another, making so many mistakes. Trying to grow up. I constantly remind myself of the past, & how I must change to keep the person who is my everything, my only safe haven. I`m scared of losing my imagination, because when life gets hard, & everyone's against me, it`s all I can do is pretend. I`ve been lied to, betrayed, & back stabbed, by my best friends, & even my own family, I just can`t take it anymore. I miss being a kid, & wish I could turn back time. Looking back, things seemed so great then. I was actually happy with my life. I have flaws, I`m so unhappy with them, but I put up a front. Little things irritate me, & I`m so indecisive. I hate how I ramble on, about my weaknesses. If I`m happy, I`m automatically being fake, if I'm upset, I'm automatically too expressive. I have few legitimate reasons to hate the world, nothing ever seems to go my way. I used to be good at manipulating people, good at getting what I wanted. We only tend to see the hurt in our life, to hold on to the negative, but isn't that all we can do? I have to keep fighting, have to keep letting the people I love, know that I'm willing to make sacrifices for them. I need to learn to accept that things aren`t all about me, that even if I`m not happy, then the happiness of the people I love is what counts. I need to continue to grow, to change, & mature. I hate being stuck in the middle, seeing everything only at eye level. I`m tired of wishing I was a character in a book, that the villain would get his payback, & everyone would live happily ever after. I miss the dream world I used to live in, & I regret waking up, regret being hurt, & hurting people in return. Ignorance is bliss, & sometimes, I really wish I didn`t know any better. I want to become religious again, to feel at one, & know that even if everyone on earth hates me that God is right there by my side, guiding me. I want to feel the power of prayer, & cry from being happy, from knowing that things are always going to be okay. I`m done with drama, lying & sin. I'm not trying to be perfect, I`m not trying to be something I`m not. I just want to live, & laugh, & be happy. I want to finish school, marry the special him, & start a family. I`m like an open book, my feelings are shown on my sleeves. I'm clumsy, & break things. I fall down, especially in front of people. I can be uptight, but my laugh is contagious. I want everyone to experience peace, know how good things can be, so they`ll strive harder for it. All is not fair, in love, it never will be.

Thanks Christina , David x2 & Edmond for today
Btw , David 1 and 2 i owned you both in the snow flight :)
& Christina , I'll miss you .. dont forget me in vietnam (U)
--

The songs don`t bother me anymore, or the movies we used to watch. It`s the fact that I can`t hear your voice anymore. I can`t feel your arms wrapped around me. It`s the feelings, the emotions that I miss. & those are the things that will fade with time..

I`m not his first, his last, or his only, but I`m praying that I`m his favorite. He might have cared for another girl before, & possibly will again, but I`m going to be the girl he cares for the most. He`s not perfect & I`m not either, but I`m going to be the closest damn thing he finds to perfect. He can make me laugh, & I give him the most I can. He might not be thinking about me every second of every day, but I know I`m always in his heart. He`s gunna give me his heart, which I can break. & in return, I`m giving him my heart, that he can break. So I say, don`t hurt him & he won`t hurt you. Don`t change him & he won`t change you, & don`t expect to give more than I can. Don`t over analyze, smile when he makes you happy, yell when he makes you mad, & miss him whenever he`s not there. Because even though you`re not his first, you`re going to be the most memorable girl he ever gets.
^ yeah right , to me I probably was the worse girlfriend he ever got .

*** random thoughts @ 6:36 PM

I never really been the type to be superstitious.
And I wouldn't say that I'm super religious.
But lately I've been praying and hoping and wishing.
Is anyone out there willing to listen.

Am I all alone.
Am I all alone.
Is there anybody out there hearing my song.
Is anybody home.
Is anybody home.
Is there anybody out there feeling that something's wrong.

What good is a heart if there ain't love in it.
What good are your eyes if you ain't got vision.
(8)

--

I'm a mess , and everyone can buy me anything in the world
but it still wont me make me feel better ..
I'm hiding away , losing my ways and running away
This is officailly the worse winter break im' ever going to have ..
Rabinder , dont worry she's not worth it :]
& Thanks Mo for listening to me (L)

*** random thoughts @ 10:31 AM

Monday, December 22, 2008

HAPPY13THBIRTHDAY ROBBIE (L)



and it's safe to say


I'm really really really missing you

*** random thoughts @ 8:56 PM

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Please God , just keep him safe ..

*** random thoughts @ 11:15 PM

I just got off the phone with you
and I feel my heart beating for you

I need you , I want you , I miss you , I love you

You are my inspiration and the reason to be happy

I just gotta figure out what I did wrong .

But I can't , I dont know , I can't figure it out
One day , One month , One year it might take
But , I just wanna call you mine still .
I want to be with you now , and still try to figure it out
I'm mess without you , and I'll love you more than my best
I may not be super religious
But I've praying extra , just for you .
Hope you get better soon..

*** random thoughts @ 12:02 AM